NJ Court Rules Against Fathers

It seems the Father’s role is devalued from conception. NJ courts ruled in favor of a mothers privacy in the delivery room. In this particular case, the couple was together and engaged. They broke up while they were expecting and the communication was minimal between the two. The father asked to be informed of when the baby was being delivered because he wants to be involved every step of the way. Mom argues with him and gets stressed out so it appears that, for the sake of a healthy delivery, the father should be left out. She grants him visits, following the hospital guidelines for “all visitors”. REALLY?? So.. You’re angry cause of whatever happened in the relationship, and you get to decide if he should be given the courtesy of being an involved father?? Should women have that right? Are fathers only valued when child support comes into play? What do you think?

I know that the mother and baby are considered “one” before delivery, but should the father be barred from the birth of his child because the couple can’t put their differences aside? What will ever change a woman’s mindset, to put her personal feelings aside, so that the child’s needs come first??

Read article and share your thoughts.

http://www.nj.com/politics/index.ssf/2014/03/mom_can_keep_dad_out_of_the_delivery_room_nj_court_rules.html

All IN OR ALL OUT!!!

Yesterday’s blog sparked conversation with a friend about her situation. Her daughters father isn’t cooperative and makes promises to the child he doesn’t keep. Clearly has other priorities..and is full of lame excuses.. It’s time for that mother to sever communication altogether!

Specifically to my situation with my son. When his dad and I broke up.. He was a year old. Dad was going through a transition and was learning how to balance his own life and put priorities in place..therefore..treating his time with our son as an option or a decision he made if all else fell in place for him. That lasted a real brief minute because I wasn’t having it!! But more importantly, because in HIS heart.. He WANTED to do better. I ceased all communication for almost 3 months. He felt the pain of having his “options” limited, and started understanding that being present for our son was his obligation. Just like going to work everyday, and paying his bills were. Since then.. He’s been 100% present. Will his “present” ever equate to mine? NO! I’m the residential parent. I get ALL the “stuff”, but I share as much as possible with him so he stays in the loop.

The damage that the “in and out” does to a child is irreversible. My father damaged me with his cameo appearances every 6 months. He’d give me a wonderful weekend of breakfast and lunches together..the experience of waking up to him being there for 48 hours, only to yearn him even more for weeks after he left. I used to get emotional asthma from the anxious feeling I got when I knew his visits were drawing near. I cried the hardest when he walked out the door..and I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t important enough for him to make the choice to stay. This created an insecure child, and later a broken young lady. Looking for love in all the wrong places.

I’m grateful for my mother and her undying love, but I needed my daddy. Her love couldn’t fix the damage he was causing. I now wish she would’ve put her foot down and did what was best..which was taking away his options. Think about that if this situation is familiar to you. Protect your babies!

What’s your price??

Now, how many women have a children with a man that wouldn’t mind keeping his kid some days but just can’t afford to do much because he’s going through financial difficulties? Do you let him come around and spend time with his kids, or do you hold him hostage to his situation and tell him he can’t see his kids if he’s not paying for them? If he’s still interested in being involved, and wanting to co-parent, should his wallet dictate how much involvement he’s entitled to?? Should you take away his last because child support is enforceable by law, and it doesn’t matter if he doesn’t have enough left to live, because that’s not your problem? Does that extra few dollars you get when you go for your annual increase, make up for the visits he can’t make because now, he has to work two or three jobs (more than likely cash paying so you can’t get that too) so he can live and pay you? Because the truth is, our court systems aren’t in the business of building families. They don’t care to manage your situation, or keeping the child’s best interest in mind. If you don’t care about time spent, the judicial system couldn’t care less. That’s why visitation is not enforceable but child support is.

Who are you short changing when he can’t do the simple things kids like to do because he can’t afford anything?

So many of us get caught up on the wrong thing. Listen, kids are expensive, and parents should take care of their kids, to the best of their ability. No man should walk around here not giving a shit if his kids ate, or have what they need. But, we need to keep it real. There are those sorry ass men, and then there are the men who want to be fathers, but they’re running into roadblocks, in the form of an angry, bitter ex. The one who believes “it’s cheaper to keep her” so you gonna have to pay up! To those women, I say…get over yourself!! Stop putting a price tag on the relationship between your kid and their father. Put your kid first and know that they’d rather do without all the “stuff” you think they “need” in exchange for quality time with their daddy. If he’s a good dad, and he’s fallen on hard times, man up for a little bit, while he continues to be the man your kid needs in his/her life!

Is it disrespectful??

I’ll admit, it’s not the common situation I have going on, and some would call it down right “special”, but it works for us, and most importantly, our kids are happy.

Being a single woman, who would like to embark on marriage again someday, it’s difficult to find a man who is secure enough to deal with my family dynamics. Men who struggle in their own situations, especially, have a hard time understanding how to separate the personal aspect of how I co-parent, from the fact that the focus is truly the child. They become territorial, and intrusive. Not understanding that my family dynamics is as non-negotiable to me as changing my religion would be for the sake of pleasing someone else.

Is it disrespectful that my 10 year old’s father comes to my house and hangs out for a few minutes as he picks up or drops off his son? I work some Saturdays and he’ll be coming to pick our son up for the weekend. If it’s early enough, my son is still half asleep, so should he honk
The horn from the driveway, or meet him curbside, so that another man feel secure about his relationship WITH ME!?! Sorry, but I don’t think so.

I know it’s hard juggling family and personal life. I get it! Everything is not for everybody. Today’s message to you is …. It is OK to set boundaries in your relationships, and to stand firm in what you believe to be right. No one has the right to come into your situation, IF ITS WORKING, and change
It for their own gratification. Your children, and they’re feelings, should never be compromised in your transition from single to whatever arrangement you find yourself in. Respect is relative. YOU set the playing field and the person who wants to be with you will have to know that he can change your game, as easy as he can make you eat that pork chop if you were Muslim!!

What happy hour??

One thing I find challenging is living an
Hour away from my son’s father. He is very involved in our son’s sporting events, but he can’t be held responsible for practices, which by the way, are held too many damn times a week!!

Yesterday, I was invited to an awesome happy hour, to spend time with a few girlfriends. I had to turn it down in exchange for a bench at the school gym. 😏.

Don’t get me wrong..I Love watching my son play sports, and I’m usually very involved..but It would be nice to share in the scheduling issues during the week. I’m grateful for having spread out my kids by 9 years. My daughter is a great help!!

Spring is almost here, and that means cute outfits, pedicures, and sun shining to some. To me..It means Spring Basketball and Soccer (new to the sport schedule this year)! Yay!!!!
WTH????

Get the word “Baby Daddy” out of your vocabulary!

Ladies…Please stop calling your child’s father “baby daddy”.  It exudes ignorance.  It devalues his role and doesn’t make you sound all that good either.  Now, I said this in my previous scribe, and I will be sure to say it a few more times; I am not talking about the man who does nothing for his kids. The one who comes around once in a blue, with an empty pocket and a mouth full of excuses.  I am talking about the man who loves his babies.  The one who sacrifices himself to be present for his children.  The man who society is so impressed by, because he is doing what he SHOULD be doing, which is what most mothers have been doing for ever. LOL  Seriously though, you get the point. 

I am not sure about you, but during my upbringing, I was taught to devalue a father’s importance. Maybe it was because being a single mother was so common, that women just accepted their dual role, and started believing that they didn’t need a man to help raise their kids.  I heard sayings like “Momma’s baby, daddy’s maybe”, and “Mother is only one, but a father can be anyone”.  Do these sayings sound familiar?  These sayings perpetuate the feeling that having a father around is a privilege, and not a child’s God given right!  When you don’t see the importance of a father’s role, and you subscribe to the idea that “I could do it all by myself”, you don’t put the work in, that’s necessary, to have a healthy, respectful relationship with that other parent.  When we start understanding and accepting that we can’t teach our boys to be men, and that our daughters need their mothers to teach them what it means to be a woman, but they need their daddy’s love and acceptance so that they don’t go through life looking for that love in all the wrong places, we might start putting our personal feelings aside, and respecting men enough to start calling them fathers, and not ‘my baby daddy”.

 

We don’t need to be friends…. Just take care of your kid!

*****I am not a certified relationship specialist. I am simply a single mother who has managed to develop healthy loving relationships with the two men that father my two children, and I want to share what works for us.*********

I am always interested in why people feel that it is not important for them to get along with the other parent when the relationship is over.  It is a mentality that is foreign to me.  Since I can remember, I have been around “broken” families. Coming from a low income housing environment, with more single parent households than not being my norm, one would think I would’ve  subscribed to that common belief.  Instead, I became painfully aware of the challenges kids face when they don’t have the balance that is required for a well-rounded, emotionally healthy, upbringing.  Does this mean I believe that all two parent households are guaranteed to be better than some single parent households?  Absolutely NOT! I am talking about the need for HEALTHY environments, which later promote emotionally healthy people.

Now…imagine you have started a business venture with a partner.  The business is doing very well, but with time, things start changing a bit.  One of you is truly sacrificing, while the other one is coming in and helping his/herself to the profits, and having a good time.  You both start feeling like the other is not doing enough.  Do you just throw your hard work and effort out the window?  Do you disregard your commitment to making this business thrive, when you are clearly aware of its potential, when all it needs is for the two of you to get your act together? OK! So you might not work well together under the roles you currently took to run the business.  It might be time to change roles, right?

To me, the child/children is the business.  My ex’s and I are “business partners”.  It is our responsibility to keep the business running smoothly.  What happens when business partners start working on their own separate agendas?  Yep!  The business goes to crap!  Now, I don’t know about you, but my business is way too important to me, to allow my partner or I to get in the way of its success. So…we have to find a way to work well together, and put our personal issues/feelings aside, and focus on the business at hand.  Does that make sense?

The word “friend” may be too much for you to use when describing your ex.  Maybe you haven’t gotten there.  How about “Business Partner”?  Can you conform to that?  Would you agree that if business partners never speak, and never keep the other person informed as it pertains to the actions taken that affect the business, chances are things are going to fall apart?  When asked most corporate employees “what is the biggest flaw your company has, that leads to you having to do double work?”, the answer is usually “lack of communication”. 

It is absolutely necessary for you to communicate with the other parent.  Children are more aware than we give them credit for, and one thing I know for sure is….they will take advantage of the inability of their parents to effectively communicate.  Two uncommunicative parents, is the devil’s playground….TRUST!